WILLFUL REFUSAL TO CONSUMMATE...

My last post here was hmmmm maybe controversial. In fact, it did put me in 'trouble', what i have now learnt was a blessing in disguise. If you missed it, catch it here…But then, how could I quit on you all? Not with the amazing number of page views i see. Thanks guys! Would have said you guys are the “bestest” but I’m pretty sure that word is not yet in the English dictionary. But wait a sec! Who gives a shit about the English dictionary and following those rules? The level of ‘gbagaun’ we have to deal with daily is a colossal proof that here in naija, we just say things like we wanna, the way e dey enter our head na so we dey talk am. 

I was in court a couple of weeks back and something very unusual, at least to me, happened. A case was called up, and lo! It was a divorce case. Nah, that’s not the unusal thing. Basically, gone are the days when people who wanted divorce hide and get overly shy about the whole affair.  In those days, a man would simply send the woman packing, trying as much as possible not to alert the neighbours or make a scene. On the other hand, a woman who has had it up to here~ would just get her stuffs and bolt, most times with the kids, and while the husband was away at work, if he has one, or a road side beer parlour if that is his calling. That is now so so last decade! These days, from my experience, *winks*, Nigerians are so not in the mood to hide the fact that they are resiling from the vows they made before God and man. Its now so brazen and normal. Afterall, thats how it is in the States. We are really chasing America, especially in the negative things. More redbull to our elbow.

When that case was called up, it was the husband that petitioned for the divorce. He was not only present, but came out in all his glory. Now see the funny thing, this guy was such a young man! When I say young, I mean like late 20s, and he wants a divorce! When did he even get married? I can bet so many of his mates are still dressing like Wizkid and “forming swag”.

As we were trying to deal with the fact the young man before us wanted the court to put asunder what God has joined together, it was further revealed that the petition was filed just as soon as the wedding was over. Get the picture, this guy just escaped from his honeymoon to meet his lawyer to file that petition.

Don’t you just hate lawyers? Hehehehe…

I’m sure so many people will hypothesize and arrive at the theory that this ‘gentleman’ must have had a helluva reason to make such a fast and sleek move. As serious as the issue was in my mind that morning, I could not help but let out a small (had to be small) laughter when I heard his reason. His wife had willfully refused to consummate the marriage! I’m sure you already know what that means, but let me try to explain. A marriage is consummated when eh… eh… well, uhm ouch! It’ll just be easier to tell you that consummation is that thing that happens during honeymoon, but that will be grossly inadequate.

 Ordinarily, the word means to complete something perfectly. A marriage is consummated when a couple have sex for the first time AFTER their marriage. So to consummate a marriage means to make the union completely perfect by having sex. I don’t need to say that willful refusal to consummate a marriage is one of the grounds that can lead to a successful divorce petition, right? Ok.

Between you and me, I don’t think that guy is telling the whole truth though. In fact, he can challenge the devil to an Oscar nomination if there’s a category for best lie. It doesn’t make sense that a couple will take off for honeymoon and when it’s time to “do it” legally, somebody will say no, but then, what do I know?

Separation will never be a good thing. Now, I use to wonder, what happens when somebody discovers just immediately after tying the knots that he or she has made a grave mistake… should such a person head to the court house and ask for an asunder, or live with that mistake every second and every minute of their lives? I’d rather not say anything about that, but wait! Have you ever seen an Octogenarian couple who are still very much in love with each other? I have, and trust me, nothing is more beautiful!

Signing out~

@Emmysiasia on twitter…

ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET?

A very popular saying, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. I don’t know who has the credit for this coinage and the wonderful intentions the person might have had; Yeah, wonderful intentions. Look at it literally, it makes perfect sense. Eggs are fragile, and can break if not handled with care. Sometimes when you even handle with care, anything can happen and all your eggs gathered in a single basket will go to meet their creator. Creator ni? Hehehehe…. If every broken egg goes to meet their creator, which is God, who we also go to meet, I wonder if their will be enough space in heaven. All them eggs lying around everywhere…gosh! Hey! That was just a joke, a bad one, I know…but its naija, we are so so used to bad jokes, if you are not, I am.

Meanwhile, if you spread your eggs in several baskets, peradventure *what kinda archaic word is that?* something happens to one basket, you would have lost some, but there will still be enough in other baskets. Smart, right? Personally, I don’t know about that. Why? It’s simple. As you are distributing your eggs to several baskets, you are spreading your risks too. The probability of losing some continues to increase as you increase the number baskets.

Now, if you are still going along with me literally, then I’m afraid I lost you at some point. This scenario can find application in so many areas of life, but I am concerned with one right now and that is how this rule have been made to apply to relationships today.

It is quite an audacious statement, but it is my view that in relationships today, peeps are no longer putting their eggs in one basket. You can hardly see a person with just one plan. The ladies will have to forgive me here, but i think they have been excellent at this. There must be plan A and at least plan B. That is even in the best of cases. It’s not out of place to see people with plan C, D, E and F. I, for one, will not be surprised to hear of a plan X, Y and Z. I wonder the nomenclature that will be derived to accommodate the plan that will come after Plan Z.

I’m sure you have your own opinion about whether it is more of girl’s problem or that of guys. My personal view is that you can hardly find a girl who is willing to put all her eggs in one basket. She prefers to spread it out among several plans, like it’s a lottery, waiting for the number that will come through.

I can hear them blaming guys for it. It’s a very normal thing with humans to put the blame on others, unless your name is Akon. Here is what the ladies say: “I loved the guy so much, but he cheated on me! He broke my heart! So, I decided not to be putting my eggs in one basket again o” wow! How brilliant!

I did not discover it, but I have confirmed that ladies don’t like nice guys. Damn right! You can scream NOOOO!!!! all you like, but it can’t sway me. I’ve seen it countless times. They prefer the flashy cocky bad ass niggas who act so aloof and over confident. The guys who don’t have any regard for their womanhood nor respect to the tenets of gentlemanliness. The kind of guy that you go to the mall with, and he gives you the cart to carry; while he picks up the groceries and fills up the cart for you, while also hanging one of his hands on your shoulder. Love shee? Dirty smelling love, if you ask me. I saw this one at the mall few days back, the girl was carrying the items all by her self, and the unmerciful guy also dropped his hand on her shoulders. extra weight. He is paying for the shopping and so fu*king what!

I use to have one of those kinda guys as a close pal in my university days. His girlfriend carries the loads. His excuse? He needs his hands to be free so he can protect her. Can you imagine? Like a lion could jump out of nowhere. The day I learnt he beats up the girl too, I thought I was dreaming. Hard as it is to comprehend, that’s the kind of guys the ladies want to be with. Oh, did I forget to mention that these guys cheat with any opportunity they get? Damn right!

Eventually, the girl gets jilted and cries her eyeballs out. She ingeniously comes to the conclusion that all guys are the same. And the next smart move outta her head is to have multiple plans on her next time out. How nice.

Guys, I tell you, being a “nice guy” is very good, but you need to know what you are getting yourself involved with. Be a nice guy and you will be overlooked, taken for granted and will be hurt over and over again. At best, you will be rewarded for being a great guy by being made a plan B at the very best. If you are not so lucky, plan E or F.

It’s a free world, and YOLO …what you do is entirely up to you. But it will be great to see young people, the ladies especially, putting their eggs in one basket. This may be a d*ck move in some other areas of life, but surely not in matters of the heart….

@emmysiasia on twitter

You MAY Kiss The Bride

Hello friends! How are you guys doing? Fine, right? Oh, great! I knew the answer even before asking. Now I’m wondering; Is there another answer to ‘how are you?’, apart from ‘fine’. I mean, when people ask it, any answer apart from ‘fine’, and you would have failed if it were a test. That’s what they teach you in school from a very tender age. I can still remember being taught to respond “fine, thank you”. But hey, I know you guys are fine, and you are welcome.

Admit it, at one point in time in your life, you have thought about the big day, your wedding day! Well, really, if you do think about the great day and fantasize about it, you are not alone! Many of us do. Us? *scratching my head* YES, even you! A huge percentage of girls have reserved that day as their most memorable day ever!, And are eagerly awaiting that day. For the guys, its generally mixed feelings, especially when the guy ‘never too hammer like that’. Hey, somebody gotta pay for all the partying. That’s not to mention the cost of bridal traditional rites and the bride price proper, especially if she’s an Igbo girl. *hides under my bed*.

But seriously, one state in the south east is trying to pass a law to harmonize bride price and make it more affordable for all and sundry. Their reason? They complained about the rising number of single ladies in the state, and have attributed same to the high cost of bride price in the state. For the sake of many of my guys out there, I pray that law sees day light. There will be an unprecedented influx of men into the state. Trust naija guys nah.  

Anyway, until recently, I have not attended a lot of weddings; I can even count with my fingers. The psychic me can hear you shouting “you’ve been missing a lot!” and I agree. Right now, just send me your IV, and you’ll see me there!

I was at my cousin’s wedding recently, a very beautiful wedding, very normal wedding, UNTIL it got to that interesting part of the ceremony when the priest said “you may now kiss the bride”. I stretched and positioned myself very well to witness that couple display their eh eh eh… well, you know what I mean. My elder brother sitting with me took a vantage position too to catch the action. Then, this handsome groom looked into his bride’s eyes……, she flashed a gorgeous smile….., he approached her…., she drew closer too…. Then, then at that particular point…., with their eyes still locked to each other’s eyes…, then the groom spread his arms…, she spread hers too….and they hugged!

That was a first for me, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve not attended so many weddings like I mentioned, but that? That was really something! An argument immediately ensued inside of me. ‘But the priest said he should…’. Then I pressed rewind in my mind… play…. “you MAY now kiss the bride”. Then it clicked!

How could I forget, even for a second, and in a wedding setting, that when the word MAY is used, it connotes an option, a choice, a discretion. Very different from “you MUST now kiss the bride”. This appears to be the version that 99.9% of men hear when that time comes. Did I mention how positively surprised and impressed we were at that wedding? Oh, I forgot to say that.

Have you ever wondered how the wedding tradition of kissing the bride came about? Ok, here’s what I found out…..

“The part that says ‘you may kiss the bride’ has a sort of mixed origin. First of all, it was assumed in ancient times that the bride and groom would not have previously exchanged a first kiss....so this kiss at their wedding ceremony would have been the first kiss. it was part of ancient folklore that a kiss between a bride and groom at the wedding ceremony would serve to exclude evil spirits from their relationship and that each of them would exchange a small part of themselves with one another during that first kiss...thus effectively locking out evil spirits from their marriage.”

Another source put it this way……

“The Wedding Kiss that seals the wedding is much more than a sign of affection. It has long been a token of bonding and the exchange of spirits as each partner sends a part of their self into the new spouse's soul, there to abide ever after.”

Let’s get something straight, that’s not me speaking, just sharing my findings…. So ladies and gentlemen,  I’ll leave you to decide what you do on your wedding day, but just know the priest will not say “you MUST now kiss your bride”.

So, you all have a lovely day…. And before I forget, don’t worry fellas, I am aware of the fact that anything I write can, and will be used against me on that day. BRING IT ON!!!! *winks*

@Emmysiasia on Twitter

TOAST A BOY! (part 1)

Hello friends and lovely people! How I know you all are lovely people? Hmmmm………*scratching my head* Uhm… As long as you are reading this blog right now, you are a lovely person, without prejudice to what you will do the minute after you are done. Ain’t that answer intelligent? Sure it is! I thought so too. Welcome. Interesting gist today, if you ask me.

 

Hmmmmmm…. Growing up for me was eventful. I’m sure yours was too. There were things you had very little or no choice in witnessing or being a part of. One of such things is the business of TOASTING! Gosh I love this word! But hey! I hope we all get what I mean by toasting? Call it “scoping” or “chyking” if you may. Whether you are a boy or a girl, you actually don’t have a choice in the matter. Either you are the ‘toaster’ or the ‘toastee’, ‘chyker’ or ‘chykee’. Now I’m laughing so hard at that coinage. Just forgive me, it’s the product of so many years of learning about similar coinages like ‘payer and payee’, ‘mortgagor and mortgagee’, the list goes on. Who knows, one day we can have ‘slapper and slappee’, and if I am a blogger, that will make you a bloggee.

During those good old days, we attended these lesson classes after school hours. Peeps from different schools attend too. Sure you get the picture? Good! That’s usually where one gets the first toasting lessons. The boys will waylay the girls and start giving a jittery sermon, while the girl uses her feet to draw lines on the floor, or use her hands to wreak havoc on any flower close by. Well, that is so so last century now. I seriously don’t see such a scenario playing out now. That’s my guess anyway, what do I know?

The point I’m trying so hard to make is, traditionally, or rather, from our first lessons in the toasting business, a guy sees a girl he likes, lies in wait for the appropriate time, and bam!. Then in those good old days, the boy does everything he could to win the heart of the girl. Among them is exhibiting expertise at letter writing.

Hahahahahhahah….. Now I’m laughing again! Why? Ok, I’ll tell you. Writing that kind of letter was actually my strongest suit then. I constructed so lovely letters that all my friends consulted me when they need to deliver a letter. I did not charge them for my “professional services” but it was usually a norm to ‘thank’ me with a plate of tapioca and chilled drink when they can afford it.

Basically, the responsibility of keeping this ‘sizzling romance’ alive rests with the guy. That’s why he takes painstaking effort to write, go out of his way to do something that makes her happy. So from the very beginning to wherever, it’s mostly about what the guy did and what he did not do. At the risk of repeating myself, that was last century.

Coming back to the present day, you will have to agree with me that much has not changed! Guy sees this girl he likes, he walks up to her, strikes up a conversation and eventually asks for a date. The guys are still doing the toasting in this century like they did in the last.

Likeness and love are emotions that both ladies and gents are capable of, unless there’s something wrong with the person, in which case I will recommend medical help. It’s so normal for a guy to see a pair of lovely Snickers and want to own them. It’s normal for a girl to see lovely handbags in a mall and really want them, see beautiful dresses in a show room and imagine it on their body. We all can see and like or love, simple.

 I use to wonder what happens when a girl sees a guy she fancies. Yeah, used to wonder, not any more cos I now know what happens. She pretends he does not exist, and hopes that somehow, with his magical powers he will know and come around to say hi. Or better still; declare 3 days fasting and prayer so God will touch his heart and make him see why he should want to be with her. I wonder if God bothers with that kind of prayer in our world today, where so many prayers are being said against Boko boys, economic and political upheavals bedeviling our dear country.

This is 21^st century when women are clamoring for more participation in the polity and the scheme of things. I am personally an advocate of women’s rights, but not only political rights. Social rights too; the right to toast a boy without fear of being negatively profiled.

See the unedited view of a friend of mine on the issue:

My dear, no matter how you see it or want to argue it, men dont respect women who approach them. Even you that is bringing the topic up. Moreso, when a girl does not play hard to get, she is never accorded respect. Infact, you are sure that relationship would end faster than it started because according to you guys, ''the babe no even difficult to get''.

I agree that some people will find it unusual and thus react by profiling such a girl as cheap and loose. That, to me, is paying too much attention to what people think. If you believe something is right, do you border about what people think? Honestly, wanting something and not being able to go for it is a feeling that will hold its own in the rank of worst feelings ever.

We will have to conclude this gist in TOAST A BOY! (part 2). If you think i was too hard on ladies, wait for the other side of me in part 2. Till then, ladies start warming up to toast a boy! Lovely weekend… *hugs*

@emmysiasia on twitter